When the fantasy dies, what are you left with? Second Life romance is a subject that we've never really talked about on SL Reports. It's something that, in general, is not discussed with any depth in the Second Life media.
For those of you that are unaware, I served a number of years as a Community Leader for AOL/ACI back in the "AOL Heyday," before a bunch of CLs in New York got smart and sued ACI for wages. Recent talks with friends about their online relationships, partnerships, and even Second Life 'marriages' have inspired me to write on this, though. I've seen my share of online romances and been right there with the parties involved when things go bad... and of course when they turn out well.
It's been my experience that a lot of online romances - whether they stem from chat rooms, message boards, or just email conversations - start out from a desire to live out a fantasy that could otherwise not be pursued in real life, or grow from casual online friendships and are perpetuated by one or both parties out of mere boredom or kindness. I concede that this is not the case with all online romances. In fact, my own real-life relationship is one that started after meeting my partner in an online chat room. It has grown into a five-year partnership that neither Allen or I would trade for the world. But I must admit, the majority of relationships I see online... and in Second Life... have little reality to them. "Trust" is garnered by parties telling each other "personal secrets" that can in no way be verified. Few of the couples ever speak on the telephone, and even fewer ever meet in real life. In Second Life, the reality of a sincere relationship is diminished even further by the three-dimensional platform on which we "reside." Couples judge each other by their avatars, not by their real-life appearances; by their in-world success, and not their status in the real world; by their wealth in-game, and not by their true financial status. In normal chat rooms and on message boards, the trend in relationships has always been that people seem to "fall in love with" each others' online persona rather than who they are in real life. When they finally do meet in real life, it is often a short awkward meeting that represents the end of all contact period. The fantasy dies. With so much more customization and interactivity in Second Life, it is even easier for folks to "modify" their persona to something that is pleasing to the other party. That's why many times when things get serious, when people start falling in love here, it abruptly ends. One or both parties know that the relationship can never be taken to the next level as it is frequently a relationship based on lies. Sometimes people do take it into real life, though. Often the results are less than promising. I can articulate my point with a related story. A dear friend, gay like many of my friends, was kind enough to allow me to share this on the condition of partial anonymity. I'll keep his avatar name to myself, but in real life he is Aaron from Houston, Texas. Aaron started Second Life a few years back, seventeen at the time (violating TOS of course, but not really the point). He was mainly interested in romance, as many teens his age were. After a few months of virtual sex, meaningless online relationships, and other 'boys-will-be-boys' activities, Aaron met Stan... a 25-year-old young man from Baton Rouge with similar interests in computers, music, and philosophy. Aaron and Stan dated in Second Life for a matter of weeks before the relationship became serious. Both expressing their love for each other, the two began emailing back and forth and eventually talking on the telephone. It was early last year when Aaron (of legal age by then) agreed to visit Stan in Baton Rouge. After a long, anxious drive Aaron arrived at the cheap highway motel at which the two had agreed to meet. Of course the first warning sign here was overlooked by Aaron; if Stan lived in Baton Rouge, why were they meeting at a motel? The answer would soon become clear. When Stan finally arrived to meet Aaron, the naive young man's world came crashing down. Stan was visibly not 25 years old. As would be learned in heated, detailed confrontations that day, Stan was a 41-year-old office manager with a wife, and son just a little bit older than Aaron himself. Of course Aaron left Louisiana shocked and devastated, lucky in my opinion that Stan had not tried to hurt him or coerce him into doing something unpleasant. Wasted emotions. Wasted months. Wasted hopes and dreams. And a wasted trip! I wish I could say that Aaron's story was unusual. I can't, though. I think any of us that have dated extensively online, or have known people that have, can share similar stories. Before my partner and and I met, I experienced my own online dating dramas like this - granted I never traveled hundreds of miles for a meeting. It's just not that unusual. We heard stories like this all the time on AOL 'back in the day'. My primary concern with Second Life romance is that in-world relationships always seem to be perfect. Partners act perfect, live perfect, have the perfect house and perfect things, and have looks to die for. But what happens when you truly fall in love through this virtual world? Basic human necessity dictates that you will eventually want to meet up in real life. What happens when you can't? Or what happens when you do? If you've only interacted through Second Life, email, or even on the telephone, odds are you are going to be sorely disappointed. The fantasy dies, and what are you left with? Nothing. Am I saying that online meetings, or even Second Life meetings, can't turn into meaningful real-life relationships? No. Obviously mine, and others have turned into meaningful real-life relationships. The difference, I feel, is that successful relationships most often stem from online meetings. You meet someone in your area, you chat, maybe talk on the telephone a couple times, and then go on a real-life date. If it works out, fine. If not, you're off to someone else. I simply feel that the Internet, online communities, and Second Life, are bad places to perpetuate relationships that you may want to take into real life later on. Despite character traits that may be constant throughout the real world and the virtual world, it is always going to be different. Subconsciously, you are going to develop a picture of who someone should be in real life based on how they act online. But again... when you meet up, and the fantasy dies, what are you left with? Awkward expectations and the company of someone who might as well be a stranger.
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